I've got a hot date tonight.... ONLINE

As seen on the Wild West Coconut Show.

I'll confess. I am guilty of a long, meaningful, recently-terminated relationship with a foreign man, a good majority of which happened online. Yes, I am That Person, shamelessly cruising international chat rooms in search of exciting, exotic man morsels. Razul was short, athletic, and conflicted with his Muslim heritage, and we dated for, well, several years....

But you know what? I'm not really sure how long we dated. If the first half of a relationship is online, does it really count?

A friend of mine told me the other day about a "real" problem he is having. He is cheating on his online boyfriend in Canada with an equally online boyfriend in Arizona. Whereas Arizona lives closer and has a more rugged appeal, Canada is stable and dependable, and a better choice for a relationship. You know what I think is a better choice for a relationship? A real one.

Today's emerging cyber generation is doing everything the other generations did -- they're just doing it online. It's not unusual at all for someone to be in a serious, invested relationship with a man/woman/dandelion/squirrel halfway around the world. I have a friend in New Zealand who is dating someone in China. Another friend of mine lives in Australia and just married someone from India. Online relationships are happening right now in your neighborhood, maybe even under your own roof, and you can do nothing to stop them. But where is the appeal? Why fall in love with a computer screen? And how can you really love a person without experiencing them, you know, in person?

Why the Online Appeal?

I'm going to start with the obvious. People who actually spend their time "dating" online are either a) under the age of 18, b) huge gamers, or c) have cripplingly low self-esteem. Possibly all three. So by dating online, the awkward internet nerd is able to enjoy all of the benefits of dating without any of the reality. No need to hide your crooked smile or lose those extra ten (twenty, thirty, fifty) pounds. Instead, just send a flattering picture and expect your personality to do the rest. That's what "real" love is, right?

Here's the problem: if you're misrepresenting yourself and your partner is doing the same, then what are you really falling in love with?

Having a Conversation is Not a Relationship

Having a conversation with a person and living your life with them are two completely different things. There was a time when I talked for 14 hours straight with the gorgeous, chocolate-skinned Razul, via the ever reliable MSN messenger. I was in love. I thought for sure if I could talk to someone for 14 hours straight and not get bored, I was set. Then Razul and I met in person. Okay, cool, so he wasn't quite as tall as I'd pretended, or quite as funny, or as smart. Come to think of it, he wasn't a lot of things. But dammit, he had been so perfect online! And now he was here, living in my country, eating my food, sleeping in a room with me. Why did reality have to be so... real?

Let's face it: chemistry matters, and without the safe veil of the internet hiding all of Razul's flaws, we eventually went our separate ways.

Was it wonderful having a 14 hour conversation with someone who, in my head, was the perfect man? Yes. Can it lead to marriage? Sure, why not. But do I consider that year spent online a relationship, on equal par with someone who I can see every day, who will cook and clean and cuddle with me?  No, of course not. Because a conversation with a sexy picture is not the same as sharing popcorn in a movie theater.


The Social Implications

So what happens when an entire world starts online dating? Boundaries disappear. Borders are crossed. People mix and match and before you know it, everything is shared: religions, values, cultures, and awareness. The 21st century has ushered in a newfound freedom: people around the world can know each other, speak to one another, and share each other's trials. Perhaps a united world is not such a far away thing. Perhaps the more we love and marry people from other countries, the more we will come to accept each other, until eventually cultural tensions will be a thing of the past.

So am I for online dating? Do I support falling in love with a suntanned desert dweller from a far away land? Yes, I do. But it's still not a relationship unless you can hold hands.