GAY WARS (18): Adam Lambert VS Clay Aiken!!

 [As seen on the Wild West Coconut Show.]

So does anybody here remember Clay Aiken? Anyone? Anyone at all?

Certainly not Adam Lambert, the new American Idol star and everyone's favorite glamtastic glitter boy, who also happens to be gay, by the way, in case you didn't know. Gay. Like Clay Aiken, right? Wait, Clay-who?

Besides being gay, Lambert and Aiken actually have several things in common. Both were 2nd place American Idol winners, and both have had drastically more post-Idol success than the 1st place winners of their respective seasons (I suppose "gay" is more acceptable to the entertainment world than "fat" or "lame.") Both also happen to have red hair, though Lambert did the prudent thing and dyed it. We all know you can't be famous if you're a redhead, unless you're a hot chick or Conan O'Brien, which I consider one and the same.

However, Lambert appears to have had even more success than Aiken could have ever hoped for. While Lambert is rolling in glitter and media attention, Aiken just released his latest Tried and True album, a collection of classic 50's and 60's songs which signals the collapse of any singer's career. Lambert is definitely on his way up, while Aiken is on his way out. Which brings us to our current Gay War #18: Adam vs. Aiken, The Idol Strikes Back.




The Place: an Island Paradise, where Adam has gone on vacation after gaywaring Edward Cullen, surviving a rather sexy brush with death.

The Time: Early evening, just as the sun touches the rim of the ocean, filling the sky with a blood red glow.

The Attire: Lambert dressed in a snazzy silver jacket with matching eye shadow, a snake for a belt, and leather gloves. Aiken in a striped polo shirt, white scarf, popped collar and loafers.

The Weapons: Pure unadulterated talent. One Idol must steal the other's talent before the sun goes down.

The Prize: A long and happy career as the most Prominent Gay Man of the early 21st century, a lifetime supply of sunblock, a vial of very-berry lip gloss, $100 gift card to Hot Topic, a haunted mansion in rural England, and a signed copy of Eat, Pray, Love.

The Fight: Tensions come to a head when Adam Lambert enters his hotel room to find Aiken rummaging desperately through his underwear drawer. Aiken, driven mad by Christmas music and his own poor self help advice (as outlined in his book, Learning to Sing: Hearing the Music in Your Life), assumed that the Glitter King's talent must lie in his wardrobe, and has been rummaging through drawers and drawers of silken hose and leather chaps. Outraged, Lambert throws himself upon the hapless redhead and takes a cane to him.

A vicious struggle ensues. Chaps fly, and hair-pulling abounds. "Poser!" Aiken screams. "I was the first Gay Idol! Glory is mine!"

Adam sits on Aiken and bends his arm back. "Surrender your talent, or I'll snap you in half!"

"Never!"

The fight continues for another twenty minutes. A lamp goes through the window. The bed covers are yanked to the ground. Dull moaning leaks under the door, witnessed only by a passing maid. Finally Aiken throws Adam off of him and shouts, "You can't fight me if you can't see me!" Aiken then throws his hands over his eyes and pretends to be Invisible. In fact, in his own troubled mind, he has absolutely vanished.

Adam watches Aiken stand with his eyes closed, and takes the time to look over the Idol, searching for his hidden talent. Is it in Aiken's cheeky smile, his coy boy-toy looks, or his baby chicken hair cut? What about his snappy polyester polo or his fluffy white scarf, now mangled on the bedroom floor? A light dawns in Adam's eyes, and he is hit by a sudden revelation. Stealing Aiken's talent is impossible -- because he doesn't have any.

So who wins?

Kelly Clarkson: A minute after Adam's Great Revelation, Kelly Clarkson bursts into the room in full Southern Cowgirl gear and breaks out a cattle prod. It'll be a cold day in hell when a Texas girl can't take on two androgynous men. Swinging wildly, she clips Adam on the jaw and sends him crashing backwards out the window, where he plummets to a tropical doom. Aiken, who is terrified of women, finally manifests his magical powers and disappears into thin air, never to be seen or heard from again. Afterwards, Kelly puts on a heart-stopping performance in an outdoor theater, where her powerful voice carries miles around with nary a microphone (or gay man) in sight.